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Published - Saturday, December 29, 2007
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Are all years this crazy?
By CURT TRNKA / La Crosse Tribune
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The year 2007 had way too much news about celebrities doing stupid things, crazy things and just plain doing things. For a while, it seemed Paris Hilton couldn’t sneeze without a media alert. This year hurt my brain. Honestly, it was painful to see the surplus of celebrities making horrible decisions and how much America seemed to care about them. Of course, real news, such as gas prices and Chinese imports, also made headlines, but it’s difficult to remember what all happened.
So here’s a rundown of the top stories of 2007, as told by some random guy in La Crosse: Climate change has never seen so much media attention, so it makes sense that from now on, Al Gore will be referred to as a Nobel laureate. Had I written that in 2006, I’d have been asked what drugs I was on.
Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears. Britney shaved her head. You had forgotten, hadn’t you? She’s been so crazy regarding the custody of her kids, you forgot she went Edward Scissor-hands on her head. And Jamie Lynn is huge news right now because she’s 16 and pregnant. When I heard that, my reaction was, “Yeah, that’s about right.” This sister duo makes me think we might want to get our celebrities spayed or neutered.
Speaking of Bob Barker’s passion … The longtime host of “The Price is Right” called it a career this year. He was rumored to be replaced by Rosie, but the gig eventually went to Drew Carey. Ratings plummeted when fans realized Wayne Brady wouldn’t be coming with him.
O.J. Simpson needs to go into hiding during years that end in 7. In 1997, O.J. was ordered in civil court to pay $33.5 million to the Goldberg family, whose son was slain along with O.J.’s ex-wife in 1994. Now it’s 2007, and he was busted doing his best “O.J.’s Eleven” while trying to secure possession of sporting memorabilia. O.J., take my advice — when 2017 rolls around, go far, far away and write “If I Didn’t Do It: The Book I Meant to Publish the First Time.”
Woot was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year. Previous words of the year include truthiness and plutoed. With all these fake words getting attention, I’m going to start a campaign for Curtilicious. I’ve decided it means abruptly pleasing. Its country of origin is America, and if I had to use it in a sentence, I’d probably say, “The price of gas went down, which is totally Curtilicious.”
Yup. Gas prices were on the rise in 2007, plus a mortgage crisis had people worried about the economy. This is where, if I had an Alan Greenspan joke waiting to be used, I would use it. Of course, if I had an Alan Greenspan joke just lying around, I’d be pretty weird.
You laughed, you cried and somebody died. That’s right, the last Harry Potter book came out in 2007 and brought the series to a close. If you haven’t read the book yet, congratulations! You only have to wait about two more years for the movie.
Anna Nicole Smith died. Some of America cried. There was a custody battle over her baby. But be honest — you were more worried Ron Jeremy might be the father.
Apple had a big year. All sorts of people went crazy for the iPhone and the latest generation of iPods were released. Nerds, dweebs and geeks haven’t been so excited for something since that scene from “Star Wars” where the Princess Leia wears a bikini.
Somehow Nicole Ritchie being pregnant was more-or-less accepted by the public. Had her “Simple Life” pal Paris been knocked up, America would have lambasted Hilton. Instead, we are thankful if one of them is determined to reproduce, at least it was the smarter of the two.
Celeb pregnancies were practically contagious this year. Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry and Jessica Alba are among others. What gives, Hollywood? Having trouble spending all that disposable income?
Matt Damon was People magazine’s sexiest man alive. Guys everywhere wonder if they’re next.
Americans were busy pseudo-caring about the presidential campaign in 2007. Because we all know America ignores the race until Iowa and New Hampshire have had their say. After all, what better states could you pick to represent America than a giant cornfield and the ninth-smallest state in the union?
As the war in Iraq continues down the road to forever, there is talk of improvement in Baghdad. Recently, the city held a soccer tournament. Only in a country embroiled in violence could soccer be considered improvement.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. passed away in 2007. Try bringing this up in conversation and seeing how many times you have to describe him as, “The writer of ‘Slaughterhouse-Five.’ You know, the author who looked like Einstein.”
Quick! Check everything you own for a Made in China label! If you’re unfortunate enough to find one, well, you had a good run, right?
Curt Trnka can be contacted at ctrnka@lacrossetribune.com, (608) 791-8419 or by using the word Curtilicious in a sentence.
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Michael Welch wrote on Dec 30, 2007 2:48 PM: " Every year for decades pretty much has been a 'mad' year because this nation has long ago gone mad -- it revels in its ultimate power to supposedly transform everyone else into its 'self' which is money-crazed, armament crazed, comfort-loving and disdainful of all things not reflecting its image. Like Rome we have linked the world through our might and so find many of that world within our borders and that's somehow a puzzle and a threat. We push around Muslims, lust for their oil and stroke their lazy, corrupt and cruel rulers and then are indignant when it appears 'they' hardly love 'US.' Britney Spears is well the LEAST of our troubles... "
Big Spender wrote on Dec 29, 2007 1:28 AM: " "Kurt Vonnegut Jr. passed away in 2007."...this was a great author: "Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!" ---- "Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." ---- Kurt Vonnegut ---- http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Kurt_Vonnegut/ "
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