Advertisement You’ve been waiting a long time to place your bets on who will replace Dick Cheney as our vice president.
But before you rush off to Las Vegas and place a Ben Franklin-size bet on Tim Pawlenty joining up with John McCain, allow me to highlight a few choices you might not have seen coming.
I’ll tackle the people John McCain should call on first.
Stephen Colbert — The GOP faithful are concerned McCain is not Republican enough. So logically, Colbert is the perfect balance to that. Because as Colbert will tell you, no one is more Republican than he is.
Chuck Norris — McCain blew away Norris’ guy, Mike Huckabee, in the nomination process, and Norris respects a man who can beat the crap out of his foes. Adding Norris would be a huge boost for McCain in debates because Norris could just roundhouse-kick any Democrat off the stage.
A newborn baby — Some see McCain’s age as a trouble spot, so if you average his age and a newborn, you get leadership team slightly over the age of 36. That’s money in the bank. Added bonus: Women voters may favor a McCain-baby ticket.
John McClane — OK, this one is tough because John McClane isn’t a real person and is actually the lead character in the “Die Hard” movies. But if McCain could convince Bruce Willis to run with him people probably wouldn’t care. A McCain-McClane ticket would be unstoppable in terms of national security. McCain’s service record is “unswiftboatable,” and McClane kills terrorists and has a catch phrase. America isn’t looking for more than that from their presidential duo.
Next are the logical choices for Hillary Clinton (while I still can make them.)
Bill Clinton — Let’s be honest. The main reason people want Hillary to be president is because they really want another eight years of Bubba.
A clone of Barack Obama — If the clone were grown using stem cell research, it would be a done deal. No one will deny you the presidency when you are advancing science and cloning your competition.
Steven Spielberg — He made another Indiana Jones movie with a 65-year-old Harrison Ford. America wants to see what he can do with the country and a Clinton who’s five years younger.
Monica Lewinsky — What?! Really! Did I seriously just write that? Wow. That’d be … well, it’d probably be a pay-per-view fight, but in a country that loves Jerry Springer, anything is possible.
Hugh Hefner — Hugh already donated to Hill’s campaign, and a Clinton-Hefner ticket is bound to be a huge draw among male voters.
Al Gore — Hey, the Clinton-Gore ticket worked before. And that was before Gore won a Nobel Prize.
Last but not least are the likely VP choices for Barack Obama.
Jon Stewart — Think of it. McCain-Colbert versus Obama-Stewart. Networks would fight for the rights to host those debates, which would be the highest rated of all time … among men ages age 18 to 36.
George Clooney — There is no way adding Clooney as his running mate could hurt Obama. Plus, having President Obama star in “Ocean’s 14” would be a great way to jump-start their re-election campaign.
Tom Hanks — Hanks makes sense on a lot of fronts. First of all, he’s Tom Freaking Hanks. Everyone loves him. Second, he was in “Saving Private Ryan.” People remember him fighting a tank with a pistol. Hanks = election win. Trust me.
Barbara Streisand — Political analysts wonder whether beating Hillary for the nomination will cause Obama to lose female voters. That’s where Streisand comes in, and people are saying “Hillary? No, I liked Barack all along.”
Leonard Nimoy — If Obama is serious about making the future a better place to live, he’s going to want Mr. Spock as his right-hand man. Especially because that man’s right hand can do the Vulcan nerve pinch.
Curt Trnka can be reached at ctrnka@lacrossetribune.com or by honking at the guy with the Obama/Nimoy sign.
