Advertisement All of these behaviors are red flags in the news about parenting and I agree, so how do I give them space and still make sure they are safe?
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Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: Think back to when you were their age. Why did you have all the secrecy with your friends? How often were your private conversations related to harmless chatter vs. creation of unsafe plans? The difference today is that teens have so many ways of communicating. I didn’t get to be on the phone for hours when I was a teen because there were six of us and one phone line and it had a cord, so you had to crawl around the corner and cover your mouth to get some privacy.
First off, your parent radar knows how to read whether or not your teens are involved in risky behavior. The more your radar goes off, the more you should be monitoring your teens’ activities. Parent radar is when your stomach knots up and your head goes — “something doesn’t seem right.” Learning to listen to yourself this way will keep you on alert to possible problems.
Communication is key. I suggest you and your wife talk with each teen about finding a compromise. It is OK to say that your job as a parent is to keep them safe. That means knowing their friends, family seeing their computer use and in general trusting and respecting each other. The more you feel you can trust them, the easier it is for you to give them freedom.
If you haven’t had trust/respect conversations before, it is necessary for each of you to define these values. The consequences of violating your trust should also be defined. This means there will be no surprises if a freedom needs to be taken away.
These are difficult issues for you and your teens. Therefore it will be important to revisit the topic as time goes on. Summer certainly means more freedom and greater challenges for you teens to make good decisions and for you to keep your radar screen up. Thanks for asking: All parents share your concerns.
Q: My son goes to live with his father in a different city every summer. Now that he is driving, I am really worried about him being in a city he has not driven in before. He will have his own car to use there, and he has friends from previous visits. His father has different rules than me, and I think he gives him too much freedom. This is making me so anxious that I am not sleeping well. Help!
A: First off identifying that some of this is your issue of separation is necessary and will help you focus on a process. It is very difficult to let our children go: We do not own them, we share life with them. Separation needs to increase as they mature and move into their own ways of living.
Talk with your ex to understand what his expectations will be for your son. Listen. Don’t tell him what you want. Talk with your son about your fears. Finish both conversations with a similar statement such as “I trust that you will make good decisions.” Now let it go.
My adult children drive in major cities to and from work everyday. If I think about it too much I make myself a wreck. I have to trust that they will use good judgment and be safe. There is nothing else I can do.
You are experiencing letting go at a younger age because your son lives away for the summer. You will have already practiced his departure from home after high school when most parents will be facing separation for the first time.
Take on a new hobby or activity for the summer and when fearful thoughts arise remind yourself “to let him go.” This is easier said than done, but practicing will help relieve your anxiety.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.
