Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Friday, July 25, 2008

Teen Q&A: Of messy houses and summertime schedules …

Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q I want my kids to clean up after themselves. I don’t think it’s asking too much to put their dishes in the dishwasher. I work all day and come home to a kitchen full of dishes and everyone asking, “What’s for dinner?” I have to clean the kitchen to start dinner. I’ve tried yelling, removing privileges and nothing lasts for more than a day or two. I am at my wits end.

A: Wow, I feel your frustration. It is terrible to be taken for granted and ignored. Therefore you need to be creative and consistent in finding and delivering a solution. You don’t need the work of policing the cleanup crew, so I have two suggestions: 1) create a sign that reads “Kitchen Closed ... May Re-Open Tomorrow,” take yourself out for dinner and let them figure it out; 2) a little more drastic measure would be to completely lock down the kitchen. Both of these measures or your own similar creative solution requires your kids to problem solve together.

On the first evening of a clean kitchen and having dinner together, congratulate your teens on solving the problem. Remind them that the sign will go back up if it is needed. This will save you a lot of hair pulling and confrontation. Creative problem solving with teens gets the point across better than words, and it teaches them how to team their skills. You can use this same tactic with laundry, bathrooms, etc. Enjoy your clean kitchen.

Q: Summertime is always a bittersweet time for our family because the schedules halt and we have more family time, but our house gets trashed while my wife and I are at work. It’s difficult for four teens to pick up everything, but it is so frustrating to come home to wall-to-wall clutter and bodies. I want them to enjoy their freedom and friends, but I need more clean space. Ideas are welcome.

A: You sound very reasonable in your request for “clean space.” Bring your request to the table with the family and brainstorm possible solutions. Six people ought to be able to come up with at least six options.

Someone needs to record all suggestions with the preliminary assumption that no idea is “stupid.” When you have exhausted your ideas, discuss the possibilities. Next, each person will write down his or her top three picks in rank order. Record the points for each suggestion giving, three to each number one pick. Tally the points, and you will have an idea to begin with. Discuss the implementation and get started. This system allows collective decision-making. Have fun with it and remind the group that you will all revisit the process to see if it needs to be tweaked or changed.

Q: Our son is involved in basketball, water-skiing and babysitting this summer. Since he is 15, my husband and I are the chauffeurs. My husband avoids driving as much as he can, so I do most of the running. I want our son to be involved, but I am so sick of running back and forth.

A: Car pooling, biking or finding a new husband are the first thoughts I had about solving your chauffeuring problem. (Just kidding about the husband part.) There are other parents hauling their kids when you are, so car-pooling is great when the time of day or distance prevents biking or walking. Think back to your own growing-up days and ask yourself how many times you were driven to events. In my case I walked, rode my bike, took a bus or, if absolutely necessary, our parents car-pooled.

Some of the frustration I see in families over taking kids to events is that there isn’t a planning process, and the need to be somewhere becomes a crisis. If schedules are worked out a week ahead and everyone knows what is expected, you can divide the responsibilities more evenly. For example: If weather permits, your son bikes to basketball (builds up his leg muscles anyway). If weather requires a ride, who will drive and on which days needs to be on the calendar.

You might want to use the problem-solving method I suggested in the above answer to expand your choices and remove the problem from just yourself. Gas being the budget hog it is today is another good reason to find alternatives.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.