Advertisement She is constantly undermining me and criticizing me about something and now has called child protective services because of bruising my son gets on his legs from playing. He usually spends every weekend with her and comes back more “beat up” than when I sent him. I’m wondering ... should I continue to let my son see her or not? I don’t want to punish my son for his grandmother’s actions, but this is putting a lot of stress on my family and it’s not good for anyone.
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Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: I think your question is more than whether or not you should let your mother see her grandson. It sounds like the boundaries have been blurred over who is your son’s mother, and that is a problem for all of you. I would guess that your mother believes she is justified in making decisions about your son, and when you were very young you probably went along with her because you felt she knew better than you. Now that you have established yourself as an adult and are ready to assume all the responsibilities, your mother is having a difficult time letting go. Each of us has to “leave home” and become our own person, but having a child as you are doing so complicates the matter many times.
I am assuming child protective services did not find a reason to make any changes in your son’s household. It is a very desperate attempt on your mother’s part to defend herself and says a lot about how unhealthy your relationship is. Your e-mail showed your place of employment, and I know they have an employee assistance program, so I recommend you meet with someone to help you sort out the boundaries you need to create that will be in the best interest of everyone. There is no charge for these services, and it is confidential. Removing the weekend visits from grandma’s may be an option, but your choices need to be well thought out, which is why you are asking for advice and taking time to decide.
Your problems with your son and mother have been around for a while so don’t be too hasty to change things. I respect your need for something to change, and part of that change is going to be you setting boundaries between you and your mother. Your son should not be caught in the middle, and although his thoughts and feelings need to be heard, you are the adult that has to make the decisions. It is important for you to learn not to escalate the emotion of this around your family. Your son will take on the guilt of thinking he is doing something wrong. He is definitely aware of how his grandma and mother feel, and that puts him in a very uncomfortable position. You only have control over yourself so begin by thinking about what you need to take care of yourself.
If it will take a while to see someone at EAP, tell your son and mother that you are seeking some help with the problems you are all encountering and until you can meet it would be in everyone’s best interest if your son spent weekends at home. Make sure your son and mother know this is a temporary situation and it will be resolved soon. It is very confusing to your son to have two families disagreeing about him just like a divorce. Please write back and let me know how you are doing. I will be thinking about you.
Q: Every time my kids go to their grandparents, I have to retrain them as to what my expectations are in our house. My parents spoil them and let them eat and do what they want. I love my parents and so do my kids, but the differences are creating tension and it makes me want to not let them stay with my parents. Do other people have this problem and how do they live with it?
A: Yes, it is a common problem and one that I dealt with myself. When my son was very young, he actually told me he wanted to live with grandma and grandpa because he liked it there better than our house. That hurt and made me angry with my parents. My parents were not competing for the job of parent; they were just enjoying the freedom of having fun with their grandkids.
Grandparents have an important role in their grandchildren’s life. The more adult role models children have the better. It sounds like you need to let your parents and teens enjoy their time together without expecting them to parent like you. Unless your parents are doing things that are harmful to your kids, it is not in anyone’s best interest to fight about it.
Talk with your kids about the fact that grandma and grandpa’s way and your way are different but not wrong, and make it clear that when they come home they have to make that adjustment. Explain to them that grandparents have the privilege of spending time with them but not the job of raising them and that is your job. Have a private conversation with your parents about the same thing and ask them to respectfully remind the kids to follow their parents’ expectations when they return home. If the kids know they cannot play you against each other, they will give up the cause.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.
