Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Friday, September 05, 2008

Teen Q&A: Parents need to listen to teens ... and themselves

Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: My oldest kid starts high school next week. I grew up in a rough family with lots of dysfunction and chemicals. I have turned my life around and have done a good job of raising my three kids and giving them a better life.

My son is a good kid and has been a very good student, I wasn’t because I didn’t try and, as I said, my early life was different for me growing up. I am really afraid that I don’t know how to be a good parent to my son as he starts high school. I want him to have a different experience from mine, but I don’t know what a normal high school experience is. I want him to be involved and have friends that don’t get involved in drugs and partying, but because my life was such a mess in high school I don’t know if I will be able to encourage him.

I have been to all the parent meetings for incoming freshman, and I have to admit it was even hard to walk into that building after all the trouble and bad feelings I have from that time in my life. I was so intimidated by all the parents who seem to know what they’re doing. I was too afraid to ask a question, even though I had a few. I don’t want my stuff to affect my son’s success, so I am asking for some basics to get me started.

A: Congratulations on turning your lifestyle into something you are proud of — and you should be. Because your son is a good student and meets your expectations, you already know how to “be a good parent,” as you put it. You have laid the groundwork. The most difficult challenge with teens is communication. Because they are so preoccupied with friends, school, activities and all those hormones charging around, it makes them a very tough audience.

Even though you “didn’t try” as you said, you know what the expectations of high school are: 1) go to class, 2) do the work, 3) stay out of trouble. Perhaps you didn’t do it that way, but those are the basics. As far as activities go, your son has probably shown an interest in some sports or music by now, so talk about what he thinks he wants and can manage.

Activities expect kids to make a commitment to staying out of trouble and not using chemicals, but that does not mean everyone involved in activities is complying with those expectations. In my experience, all kids are exposed to alcohol and other drugs regardless of their economic status, or academic, athletic or musical talent, and they each have to make a decision to try it or stay away from it.

I have worked with families from all walks of life who struggled with getting their kids through high school. You know from your own experiences that it is easy for kids to find what they want. That is the key: What does your son want? You will not be in his back pocket to look over his shoulder. Therefore you are in the same boat as all those parents you felt intimidated by. You all want your sons and daughters to have a positive experience, learn, have success and be safe.

This does not mean you are completely helpless. Keep doing the good parenting you have been which means having expectations, limits, setting goals and loving him with quality time as a family. When your worry radar goes off, trust that you need to communicate. I find that our parent radar is amazingly accurate, and it is important to listen to it and act. Make a personal contact with your son’s school counselor to tell him or her what you have told me. The beginning of the school year is a very busy time for all staff, so wait a few weeks, make an appointment and ask your questions. This can become a partnership that will help you make the most of your son’s high school years.

My parents didn’t finish high school, but they certainly knew what they wanted to help their kids achieve. They were my best teachers and I owe them for what I have accomplished. You are your son’s teacher and you are giving him the same thing my parents gave me: opportunity. It is up to him to take it and make of it what he will. I wish you well and commend you for your courage. You are not the first parent I have heard say how hard it was to walk back into “that high school.”

Q: Yesterday my son told me that he drove the car of an older boy who had given him a ride to practice. My son just completed driver’s education and does not have his permit. He was so innocently excited about his experience, but I made it clear to him that this was not acceptable and could have caused serious problems. It made me feel so vulnerable to know how easily he did something without regard for the consequences. This leads me to my question: How do we teach our kids to stop and make good decisions? I think my wife and I do a good job of communicating with our kids, but maybe there is something we have missed.

A: How wonderful, that your son trusted you enough to tell you about his experience. On the other hand it raise a question: Why didn’t he think he had done something wrong? The best advice I can give you is to use teaching moments. These moments can occur during everyday life, in the news, during a TV show or a movie. Asking a teen to exam a situation away from their own behavior allows them to expand their reasoning without the discomfort of being put on the spot. Teens don’t like being put on the spot or grilled, so allow the conversation to be as free-flowing as possible. A good opener is to ask: “What would you have done if you were that person?” The discussion could continue with you and your son listing possible choices and results. This is a form of problem solving that I used in support groups. Sometimes stating the problem is the hardest part for teens. Listing possible options can include even the worst case scenarios: Don’t judge or you will limit what your son will share. Finally, ask him to pick what he thinks is the best choice for him. Now you are teaching him to think beyond the immediate.

The family can do this as a game when you watch a movie together that has what you consider questionable behavior or when a real situation presents itself in your community. It is important for you to listen and not tell what you believe the “best” answer is. Doing so will stop the honesty and limit the communication you desire. Your kids know what your values are and what you approve of and don’t. In fact they could probably score 100 percent on a test of what you think. You want to hear their thinking and decision making, so you need to listen.

I expanded on your question a bit to answer what I know many parents struggle with. You may already be a good listener, but it gave me opportunity to remind all readers how important it is to develop this skill as a parent. It would be great if each child came with a manual; It would make this parenting thing easier. Instead, we all have to parent each child as best we can because we can’t program them to be what we think they should be.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.