Advertisement I want to give each of my kid’s time alone with me but it is tough to make that happen more than once a month. I have family in town that help out and also give the kids attention. If you have any sugggestions on how I could have more frequent, personal contact with my kids I would appreciate it.
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Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: Wow ,,, your plate is full, and I don’t hear you complaining, just seeking some parenting advice. I am assuming you have all done plenty of grieving, but if you are at all concerned about anyone not doing well in this category I suggest you seek a professional to help you. Sometimes kids hold onto their grief until they think it is “safe” to let it go. By safe I mean that someone will be able to support them. In your case they might protect you and not let it show. In younger children this is often an unconscious action.
I am imaging the logistics of managing your household and it must take a grand plan. However, meals can be a great way to share quality time with your kids. I suggest you plan at least one time per week for all five of you to share a meal. Crockpot meals, fast food, deli or delivered pizzas might be the way to go to allow for a more relaxed time.
Set the scene for your family by explaining that your goal is to share quality time together. Explain that during the meal everyone will have at least 5 minutes to talk about their day or something that is important to them.
Once the process is working all of you will look forward to your turn. If you can manage a second meal together the kids, ask about previous news that was shared. This weekly event allows each of you to feel valued by the family and gives you a little piece of that one- on-one more frequently. A bonus is that you will learn a lot about each of your kids without prompting them for information. It is important for you to have your five minutes as well. Avoid judging what the kids share unless, of course, you see potential harmful.
A final word for you, Dad ,,, it is important for you to take care of yourself. Hopefully the family you spoke of and friends give you support and social time. Taking time for yourself each week is important to the balance you are creating for your family. I hope you enjoy your family meal conversations and that it gives you the more regular personal time you are seeking.
Q: My life is out of control because I can’t seem to ever get a break. I work days full-time and two nights at another job. I have two kids in high school who also work part-time. On the weekends I do laundry, clean and grocery shop, leaving very little time for the kids and I to do things or for me to be with friends. I want to enjoy life a little not just work. My daughter asked me if I like being an adult, and I literally stopped in my tracks. I decided she was probably thinking I didn’t or she wouldn’t have asked. By the way, their dad lives out of town, and they see him for holidays and a summer visit. He’s cool about staying in touch with the kids, and he and I are OK about communicating. I just thought maybe you could look into my world and make some suggestions so I can change how things are.
A. Do you think your lack of down time is about time or about the rules you have for how you live? Many times the challenges we face to get everything done are about our expectations and not just the clock. What I hear from your letter is that you want playtime for your family and yourself.
Each of us has the same 24/7 to use, and obviously you have a significant number of hours being spent at a job, probably around 60. I suggest you start with a sheet of paper and list down the left side the major time users and across the top the days of the week. Fill it out to get a look at how you spend your time. Each column will of course equal 24 hours. This is a great way to see where your imbalances are. Visual tools like this can help us make changes, but I want you to go a step further. On another piece of paper, write down the rules you have about taking care of your home and family and yourself. It sounds like your house is clean and organized and you are a hard-working mother who wants her kids to have a quality life. There are many rules connected to how each of us decide to live. Some of our rules come from our childhood and parents, others from experiences such as church, work, friends and society.
Some decisions you make about your rules need to include looking at why everyone is working so much. Is it necessary to your livelihood or is it to buy extras? How many of the household tasks are you sharing with the kids, or do you do it all? How about meals? Making meals together can be fun, especially if each person takes turns planning a menu and is the head chef. Setting up a problem-solving session with your kids will be important as you make changes in your 24/7 so everyone knows what to expect. Besides, kids often have great insights into what could be different, and if they suggest it they become part of the change rather than you imposing it on them.
Hard-working people often put play last, when the work is done. Now take a third sheet of paper with the same titles down the left side and the days of the week across the top. Make sure the side includes two new titles: playtime with the kids and playtime for you. I like using the word play because it makes us aware of the kid in each of us. Juggle your hours to create the changes you desire for your family. Good luck, have fun with your new tools, and remember: The clock is not your enemy; your rules are the source of your frustration.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
