Advertisement Obviously there is more to the problem of young people having unwanted pregnancies than we all thought. Look at the Republican vice presidential candidate for example. You would think this is a good home, and yet they are dealing with the same thing in their family. Since you have worked with teens, do you have any insight into this problem that I don’t see? My kids are grown, but I am keeping my eyes and ears open because my grandkids are in middle school. Thanks.
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Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: You are right; there is more to teen pregnancies than meets the eye. My first year as a high school counselor, a 16-year-old came to see me because she was thinking about getting pregnant. As we discussed the situation she told me that she wanted to quit school and have someone who would always need her and love her. Her boyfriend agreed with her, but they weren’t going to get married. I did my best to help her look at all the angles of her scenario. For one thing, quitting school is not an option in many states as there is mandatory attendance. Many states do not provide welfare for young mothers because it has been determined that the financial responsibility lies with the teen's family. Later, I found out that she was already pregnant. She had the baby and her mother helped her raise the child without any help from the boyfriend.
I believe this situation is the number one reason that teens naively have babies — to have someone who belongs to them. Our society has been more accepting of schoo- age parents, and so there is less embarrassment in attending school pregnant. The whole baby shower thing has gotten to be a big deal for these young people as well. Many young women are sexually active because they are still dealing with the pressure of wanting to “keep” their boyfriends, and there is a sexual ease today that almost makes it cool. Movies and television add to the messages our young people live by, and there are still teens who believe they will not get pregnant. I am not condoning teen sex or necessarily birth control for teens, but parents need to be talking with their kids and helping them make those decisions.
There are many places for teens to get information about birth control and abstinence. Information is not equating to fewer pregnancies, as you saw in the news. I have no statistical information to support this, but I believe the increase in teen pregnancies is related to three things: 1) teens wanting to have someone who belongs to just them, in some cases; 2) teens not spending enough time with their families and too much time with peers; and 3) that teens have not been taught communication and problem-solving skills by their parents.
In a perfect world parents would have complete control over where and who their teens are with and the choices they make. Our next best scenario is to have straight talk with our teens about sex and the responsibilities associated with making the decision to be sexually active or not. Besides pregnancy, there is a huge issue of sexually transmitted diseases, which are rampant in our teens. The latest number I saw was that a third of teens will have an STD by the time they reach adulthood. Parents cannot assume that schools and churches will keep their teens safe from pregnancy or disease. Each family must tackle the issues within the realm of their family unit.
Thank you for the opportunity to address a topic near and dear to my heart. Besides the pregnancy and disease aspects, I could go on about what the lifestyle of all involved becomes, especially if the teen chooses to keep the baby rather than give the baby up for adoption.
Q: I know my son has had a few drinks here and there, and I don’t necessarily agree with him doing it, but don’t we all try it out at some time or other? My wife thinks we ought to “police” him so we can stop him from any more attempts. I say he knows what he is doing and he won’t be stupid about it. I want to know what other parents think about this but I am reluctant to bring it up. What is the general feeling about kids and booze in high school?
A: I see your point, but I have to agree with your wife that there needs to be a discussion with your son about underage drinking and its consequences. Maybe I missed something, but it is illegal, and if your son is driving, he is at risk, as well as other people on the road.
I think that it is difficult to give you a general feeling of other parents because of the same thing you said: They are reluctant to discuss it. We live in a society that controls drinking alcohol by age. Many other countries have younger ages and looser policies, and alcohol use by teens in these countries is not secretive as it is here.
If your son is involved in school activities, the handbook is clear about alcohol use and the consequences. Talk to the police about the legal consequences of underage drinking. Schools and communities have determined that consequences are the best way to help our kids abstain.
I suggest that you satisfy your curiosity by asking three different people what they think about teens drinking alcohol. You will have three different opinions. Then you need to ask your son what he thinks. After he tells you his opinion, ask him to tell you how much he is drinking. He might be honest with you, but more than likely he will minimize his use. Now ask him to tell you what the consequences are if he gets caught or has an accident while under the influence.
Keeping the lines of communication open is the best way for you and your wife to know whether your son is being “stupid about it.” I would err on the side of being involved, not just hoping he makes good choices.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
