Advertisement We have a 16-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. We have never had any problems with our son until this year. His first night with the car, he was to be home at 11 p.m. and didn’t get home until 2 a.m., when we woke to find that he wasn’t home. We called his cell phone, and he had gone to a party (just for a minute) that I told him not to go to and lost track of time. When he got home, he was sober and straight and lost driving privileges for a month. He hasn’t been late since then, and that was seven months ago.
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Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
Our son is a junior in high school and I feel he needs to have more “freedom” to make decisions and be able to stay over at a friend’s house occasionally. We don’t live in town, and sometimes it is more convenient for him to sleep over at a friend’s in town rather than drive home. He has always been able to do this until he got his driver’s license. My husband has never really liked him staying overnight. He feels that boys don’t do that, and now he doesn’t trust him to be and stay where he says he is.
Our son has never shown us that he is untrustworthy. He can be quite forgetful, but not untrustworthy. Our son is an A student, active in sports, band, choir and student council. I believe, as does my husband, that he will avoid drugs and alcohol, as he knows the consequences. I told my husband that I want our son to have more freedom to make decisions and mistakes now while still at home so that when he does go to college he will have some experience. I don’t want him to go away and go crazy with all the freedom and make a stupid choice.
A: Trust is a huge issue to overlook, and if your husband feels he cannot trust your son, you will all need to work together to find middle ground. I like your idea of giving your son freedom now to experience making decisions, but you both have to be comfortable with how you get to that place.
Your husband’s discomfort with boys having sleepovers probably has to do with his own lack of experience. Having a car does change the sleepover need, so a compromise might be that he doesn’t drive on those nights. This eliminates the friend’s parents being responsible for the car as well.
It was very bold of your son to stay out so late on his first night of taking the car and to go to a party he was told not to go to. Those are red flags that tell me he can be a risk taker, and it may be part of the reason your husband has reservations. I suggest the three of you talk about trust and decide how your son can earn Dad’s trust back.
You and your husband’s differing views stretch both of you to look at things from the other’s perspective. Only if you dig your heels in and fail to benefit from the challenge will it harm your relationship and your parenting.
Your son is vulnerable and inexperienced, like all high school age kids, and after working with young people for more than 35 years I know how good teens are at hiding their activities. I am not trying to create more distrust — just suggesting that you might not want to be so confident that he will avoid using drugs and alcohol in high school. I hope he will regain your husbands trust and you will be able to proceed with helping him learn to safely make future decisions.
Q: When I think about all the things I did in high school that my parents never knew about, I worry that my kids will do the same or more. I think we have a great connection with our two teens and hope that they are avoiding trouble, but my own experience tells me that I don’t know every thing that is going on in their lives.
I am writing because I want to know what hours a teen should have. We have been having quite a few debates lately about the hours they want to keep, and I think we need some advice. The weekends are the main times that are under debate. They think that they should be able to decide when they will come home rather than deciding a time before they leave the house. Every weekend we go through this argument as they negotiate their evening. I have to admit that they are usually home by 1 a.m. at the latest, but even that seems an unreasonable standard time. I have been asking friends and co-workers, and it seems that everyone I talk with is going through the same debate on weekends.
A: There are so many variables that influence the time teens spend away from home, which is part of the reason you are having arguments about hours for your teens. This is probably the number one reason parents and teens argue. I know your reasons for wanting accountability, but teens perceive this as not trusting them. Your own experiences are influencing how you approach your decisions. You are correct in thinking that we don’t know everything our kids are doing, but you can only deal with the variables you have and not worry about all the unknowns. You cannot completely eliminate the time debate, but you can find a compromise.
Have a discussion with each teen individually as your starting point. Present that you will work with him or her on defining a way for them to have the freedom to decide their timeline. In the individual meetings, you and your wife will present why you have a need to know where they are and when they will return. Include in your discussion that you know they wouldn’t like it if they didn’t know where you were and what time you would be home. This is the common courtesy of living in the same space, and we all need this from the people we share our home with.
Because most teens don’t make their Friday night plans until after school, they are hitting you with their requests the minute you walk in the door or calling you at work or while you are driving home. Here is your second point. You need to teach them when the best time is for you to talk with them about their evening plans. If you want some time to be home and unwind, then ask for it. If you want to set a time to plan, then set it up. You will be in a much better frame of mind if you define the debate time rather than getting hit with it.
Third, each community has its own curfew hours. This means the local police have already defined the time for young people to be home. Call to find out what the curfew is and use this as a basis for your timelines.
Fourth, teach your teens that their requests need to include the event, place and other people involved. Kids tend to be brief, and as you play 50 questions, everyone becomes frustrated. You are bound to be more comfortable if you can make an informed decision. It is their responsibility to introduce the friends and the event, and it is your responsibility to take the time to meet their friends and families so you can be comfortable that your teens are safe. Safety is the ultimate concern of most parents, and teens’ lack of experience makes them think they are invincible.
Finally, don’t prolong your decision by saying you will think about it. This probably means you don’t like the plan and will say no. You set yourself up for an argument by doing this, and you would be better off recognizing that in those circumstances you have to trust your gut and have an angry teen right away and be done with it. Typical nighttime events are probably easy to decide, so don’t waste time debating them. If you really aren’t sure, then admit that and give them a time when you will give them an answer. As much as possible, you want to give them the opportunity to prove that you can trust their decisions, but you are still the parent and you will not always have the popular answer.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
