Advertisement The college student is living in an apartment with friends and comes home every weekend to do his laundry and stock up on whatever. The problem is that my high school son wants to stay with his older brother on weekends, and I don’t want him to because I don’t want him to be exposed to the activities of college age kids. My 17-yearold is a good kid and has lots of friends his age, so it’s not like he is a loner who needs this weekend thing for companionship. My 19-year-old says he is OK with his brother coming once in awhile but not every weekend. I think it should be a rare event that has rules attached to it. One of the boys in the apartment is 21, so I am sure there is alcohol available as well as a girlfriend that stays over. What do you think?
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Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: You have made a decision and your thinking is clear. Your older son gets the need for your restriction as well as wanting his own space as a new away-from-home student. Decide the expectations you have for this visit, and then sit down with both young men to discuss how the weekend will go. Be clear about the potential for alcohol and that you are expecting your sons not to partake. Don’t beat around the bush about anything that’s on your mind. This is not to say that they will do everything you ask, but if you don’t ask they can feign ignorance. It is important to remind your underage sons that even being in the presence of legal-age drinkers puts them at risk of getting in trouble. This is called guilt by association, and underage people have been ticketed for being present even if they haven’t had any alcohol. Call your local police department for clarification on the specifics; then you can be accurate when you talk with your sons.
Don’t assume that your kids know these things. Young people on their own for the first time and not in campus housing usually do not have this information. There is a tendency for us to look at our grown up kids, who look like they have it all together, and assume that they know how to handle the world. They even tell us that they have all the answers when they remind us that they are not babies any more. The key is to have adult conversations rather than lectures. A good opener is, “ Hey, did you know you can be ticketed for underage drinking just by being ….” We have a responsibility to tell our kids what we know can harm them and what behaviors we expect. They cannot read our minds. So often parents do not tell their kids what behavior they expect because they assume the kids already know. Some of what you say will seem to fall on deaf ears, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you. Enjoy your weekend without kids.
Q: Kids today seem to be very bold and even disrespectful, in a way that we would never have done when we lived at home. I see it everywhere I go, and our own two kids even speak to my husband and I this way on occasion. I think there is a fine line between allowing them to have an opinion and being out of line, but sometimes I am confused about where to draw that line. Are kids today bolder and is that just how it is? And do you have any guidelines about when to draw the line with teens and speaking out. Thanks for your advice.
A: I agree that there is more boldness and disrespect today, but I don’t believe it is limited to teens. I think our culture in general has swung this way, and so teens have many models influencing their behavior. Do I think it is good? No. Do I believe that teens should be taught how to express their opinions? Absolutely. The key here is that having an opinion and expressing it are privileges of emerging adulthood and appropriateness needs to be taught. Tone of voice and choice of words are big, and as the parent you have the right and privilege of teaching your kids to be good communicators.
I was in a store this week and a toddler was constantly screaming. The parents never told her to stop screaming … they just attempted to hand her things or ignore her. I almost had a nanny moment in wanting to go over and tell them that as parents they had the right and responsibility to tell her to stop screaming. She wasn’t in any danger and the screaming was to get their attention away from their conversations … and she succeeded most of the time by yelling more frequently and louder.
The same is true with teens. Do not forget that you are the teacher of how you want your children to treat you. Teaching our children respectful communication is as important as making sure they have nutrition and hygiene needs met. If you don’t tell them, they will assume, that word again, that what they are doing is OK. A good lead is to say “I am glad you have an opinion and I want to hear it, but try it again with a more appropriate tone of voice.” If they pout or complain then tell them when they can talk with you in a respectful manner you will be glad to continue the conversation; otherwise, this conversation is over. You will also want to take note of how you model this behavior for your teens. If you are disrespectful and demanding of them, then you will get the same behavior back. You are a mirror, and they will imitate your behaviors.
Glad you asked, because I have a strong opinion about teens talking disrespectfully to their parents or anyone for that matter. When a teen would disrespectfully answer their parents in my office I would stop the conversation and ask the parents why they allowed a son or daughter to talk with them that way. The answer was most often “I don’t know what to say.” The parents were usually feeling hurt that their child was so angry with them, but they were not saying, “I do not want you to talk to me that way”. When parents allow this behavior, they are giving away their power and neglecting a learning opportunity for their teens. You are in charge, and it is your job as a parent to not neglect this responsibility.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
