Advertisement He defends this decision by saying that he is so busy every season, including summer, and he wants a few months of less activity to sort out what he wants to do after high school. I say keep going kid because colleges want you to be involved in activities. We have had several discussions that have ended in frustration because we cannot agree. I think he is taking the easy way out, and he has never done that before. What advice do you have for me to convince him how important this is to his future?
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Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: I have had similar conversations with other families and initially you may not appreciate what I am going to tell you. I agree with your teen’s decision if he is not planning to attend an Ivy League college and he is not looking for a scholarship in the activities he wants to take a break from. I respect that you encourage your son’s involvement in extra-curricular activities, and you need to respect that he needs some quieter time to sort out his future goals.
School and activities take up most of a teen’s day, leaving little time for socializing or just plain old daydreaming. When kids are engaged all day long, they do not have time to think about their future with regard to their talents and interests. Good students often have a more difficult time making a match with interests and career goals because nothing really stands out as a passion. If I hear your son’s request accurately, that is what he is asking to do.
Granted you know your son well, but it sounds like your next conversation needs to be about how he might use this break instead of just disagreeing with his decision. He might be able to set up some job shadows in his areas of interest. Many high school counseling offices offer these opportunities. If his school does not, then you could help him call area businesses to find avenues. Defining what he wants and wading through the phone calls to the businesses is a great learning experience in itself. Second, he can search out schools that offer his interests and get some files started on the admission expectations and procedures. Setting up school visits is a great way to see whether a school is a fit for your son. When we did campus visits with our son, the school that was first on his list was an immediate no after the tour.
If you view this break from activities as wasted time, job shadowinig and college research might satisfy his need to explore and your need to have him be productive. These activities will give some structure to his search. By involving yourself in these efforts, the two of you will enjoy a different kind of time together.
Q: I work a lot of hours and don’t get to attend many of my kids events. I know I should find a way to get to these things, but my job is important to our livelihood, and I think they understand that. My son is always complaining about the fact that I work too much and don’t have time for him, but I do care about him and am proud of his efforts and I tell him that. I guess I am feeling guilty about this and want some reassurance me that it is normal for kids to complain and parents don’t need to attend everything their kids do.
A: I appreciate that you took the time to ask, and you are correct in saying that parents do not need to attend every event. But it sounds like your son’s complaints need to be addressed. Telling our kids we are proud of them is important, but our actions speak louder than words.
I suggest you make time for the two of you to do something together and discuss his complaint. You need to find out what his expectation is and what might satisfy his need for your presence. In the course of your conversation let him know that work is not more important than he is and that you will make some concessions. For example, if he has two events per week, which is approximately eight events per month, your goal might be to attend at least three. These have to get on your calendar, just like your work events, in order for you to make this change. Some people pencil them in and then if they have time they go. This doesn’t work.
I would be surprised if your son is expecting you to be at every event. It might be that he just wants some time with you and that is the goal instead of attending his activities. It is a compliment that he values you and wants your lives to be more connected. Teens complain about a lot of things, but this kind of complaint tells me that your son is missing you and wants you to be involved in his life to a greater degree.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
