Advertisement If we accommodate this request they won’t take the brunt of it. We will. Is there a good way to handle this dilemma and make it more reasonable for the kids? I can imagine how frustrating it is for them, because when I was a kid we always knew we would go to one house for all of the holidays, but they have four sets of grandparents to please.
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Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
A: Your kids are fortunate that you understand their difficult position and want to help. I have several suggestions:
1.You could host a holiday at your home and invite all the other families so your kids could stay home and enjoy family as they come and go. You could actually identify a window of time for each group, such as an early or late time, to ease the number of people and social obligation for each of your kids.
2. Another idea would be to involve the kids in a discussion. Brainstorming is a great tool for your young people to develop and you might just arrive at some reasonable solutions. Letting them help solve their problem also gives them insight to the challenges and power to own their choices. Depending on the social skills of your teens, it would be good for them to place the calls or write the invitations for the agreed upon solution. This takes the pressure off the parents to deliver the news.
3. Several families I’ve worked with agreed on a list of special days in the year and created a rotation of who gets which day and where. The following year the rotation moves ahead unless there is a special reason that the group needs to revisit the events. This gives the kids peace of mind to know where they will be and saves the parents and extended family from having to haggle out the details each holiday.
One of the things you will not want to let happen is to eliminate anyone who wants to be a part of your kid’s lives. Children need all the role models and support of older adults that they can get.
Q: I have two daughters from my marriage and have been divorced for five years. None of the visitations set by the court have ever happened, even though my lawyer has contacted her lawyer about the breach of contract. It would mean taking her to court and charging her with contempt to make things change. I feel that this would just alienate them from me even more. It really hurts to never get to spend time with two lovely young women who are a part of me.
I have tried everything, including e-mail, buying them cell phones and attending their events, when I can find out about them. I was never a bad father, I pay child support and I felt close to my girls when we all lived together. The girls don’t answer my e-mails or calls and ignore my birthday and other holidays, including Father’s Day. I always buy them gifts for their birthdays and Christmas and even find it difficult to deliver these. My brothers and sisters have tried as well by inviting them to family events and giving them gifts. In five years, I can count on one hand how many times the girls have even acknowledged these invitations from family.
I won’t give up because they mean too much to my family and me, but we all feel like we are fighting a losing battle. Their mother makes no effort to help these events happen, and I am beginning to wonder if she discourages them. My ex-wife’s family spends lots of time with the girls; in fact the grandparents are in my mind part of the problem. They were very controlling in our marriage, and now that I’m out of the picture they probably badmouth me to the girls as well. Have you seen this happen with other families, and if so how do I overcome these obstacles?
A: Keep trying. It often takes young people time to find a way to balance the other parent’s involvement when the immediate family is not encouraging them to spend time with both families. Once they begin to live on their own, hopefully they will find a way to share time with you and not feel like they are betraying their mother or grandparents.
The other piece I would suggest is to talk with your lawyer about all this to see whether anything can be done from a legal standpoint without charging their mother with contempt. It is difficult to put your kids in a legal framework to make things happen, but it does force the issue and that might be your best shot.
You are still their father and you have a right to expect them to respect you. Have you let them know that they are disrespectful and you will not tolerate their lack of concern for you and your family? If you can’t have that conversation in person you may have to write them a letter explaining what you want and copy it to their mother and your attorney. Begin to invite them to every family gathering by e-mail, and again copy it to their mother and your attorney. Each time you invite them ask for a response by a specific date. Your consistency is important so they can see your good faith effort.
Young people need all the significant adults they can get in their lives. It is sad indeed that the adults they live with are not encouraging them to spend time with their father and his family. It must be difficult to keep trying and not get any response back. If you give up, it will be easier for your ex-wife and her family to ignore that your girls have other people who should be a part of their life. You need to be a bulldog and keep at it so your girls will see how much their father cares and wants them in his life.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions at wiemerslage@aol.com.
happymom wrote on Nov 9, 2008 12:14 PM: